Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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