do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
