I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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