i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
