she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
