This is not my ceiling
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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