my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
