obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
