You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
