I think I won the penis lottery.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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