He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you traded sex for a burrito?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
