i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We need to feng shui this bitch.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
