You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
