he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
be right there i have to get my cape
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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