Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Houston, we have a squirter
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
