It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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