He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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