this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
