Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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