Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
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