i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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