Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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