Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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