at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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