i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
