i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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