you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
