Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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