i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
