Will you blow on my dice?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
