I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
