I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
