She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
