i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The ass gains better be worth it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
