I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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