She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
