My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
