Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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