Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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