he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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