Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
