Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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