party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
