My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
