Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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