Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
