I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
