I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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