Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
