have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
