At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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