Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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