we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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