life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
